i get embarrassed sometimes
for posting such self-indulgent thoughts that are uninteresting for the majority.
but often i am grateful
to have a forum to dump my thoughts to some anonymous audience.
it’s therapeudic to pretend someone cares.
as an only child, i’ve lived a lot of life inside of my head. i have spent many moments discovering things alone. since i was young, i have had the urge to fill notebooks with my words and drawings, documenting the experiences and discoveries of my little life.
i imagine those frivilous things as my legacy.
my little spiral notebooks,
my social media,
i like and loathe them all for different reasons.
i like my blog, because in weeks like this one–i have had a place to clear my murky head. i’ve been able to dump my thoughts in a semi-organized way, and as time organizes and clears my mind i can watch things resolve. this brings me peace.
i loathe my blog because it’s all about me and my point of view. it’s selfish, it’s shallow and inauthentic at times. sometimes i’m wrong about things. looking back and seeing how my brain distorted the truth is sometimes disappointing and puzzling.
i like my journal, because it is mostly about others. i write in detail about the people who fill up my days, how they affect me and how i hope to affect them. it has created a map of my life and often helps me see how i’ve grown based on my experiences with others.
i loathe my journal, because there are many characters in it i wish had not existed, or at least for the length of time they did. the memories are inked, and i beat myself up sometimes looking back at the pages seeing the justifications i made and the derealizations i experienced.
i talk a lot. i write a lot. it’s been said i have “the gift of gab.” i like to listen as much as i like to talk (my dad would disagree). i want to understand how other people view the world so that i can compare it to what i have found true of the world. that’s so exciting to me, as nerdy as it sounds. i’m attracted to quiet people, because i know they observe a lot more than i do. i find that so intriguing and intimidating. their silence and careful words keep me hanging on their words.
though i say a lot, ultimately i am a doer, or an “activator” (according to my strengthsfinder analysis i did for work). i act before i think a lot (and then i think about how i acted). sometimes i need to make the wrong decision to learn (and then i write about it!). i know we’re judged by what we do and not what we say, and that’s the basis of the erin operation. i’m a master observer in this respect, because my perception of people’s motives based on their actions is usually correct.
when i am not too stubborn to see the truth.
i’m about to take a break from analyzing the current situation that’s bothering me and enjoy my life. i can’t promise i won’t blog further about it if i feel the need, but for now i have thought it to death and it’s time to think of things that are thinking of me.
i get embarrassed sometimes