diving

i’ve spent the last several years distracting myself. maybe eight years or so. with work. i love to work to avoid what’s underneath. it’s an easy way to admire yourself and have others admire my work ethic, when really i’m avoiding a mass weight of life under the surface.

it has also been the ultimate means for presenting my flawed decision making tactic: spontaneity. it’s not that i skydive frequently. it’s more like i overwork and worry on mindless, unimportant things as if they matter to the point that i avoid thinking about crucial issues so that i just make important decisions in the moment. then i overthink the aftermath when i have no choices. 

recently i took a new job. it’s the first job i’ve had since university where i leave work and actually leave work. it’s normal office hours (a shock to my psyche). i’ve had time to think. and write. and evaluate. and be introspective. it’s been therapeutic, and honestly, a little agonizing. but i’m feeling peaceful to acknowledge more within.

when i changed my major from art to business very spontaneously in college, it seemed right. a friend of mine had just died, and i was trying to cope. i could keep my scholarships. i wouldn’t have to spend six to eight more years in school. my artistic mentors even suggested the change, because they said i’d get farther in life professionally and artistically with a bachelor’s in business.

with the flick of a pen, my mentality changed for years and years. as an art major, the world was bright with hues and forms. everywhere i looked, a painting. a project. boundless energy. trading to business, i struggled. there was artistic opportunity. there were people to influence and communicate toward in marketing. but it wasn’t art. at it’s core, it’s science. feeding science to an artistic brain changes it. i became less creative. my ability to paint and my focus on what i loved in career and hobby died a little.

during this same time in my life i had the greatest romantic love i’ve ever known. will i ever know anything as great? i spent so many years denying that it was a love for the ages. but inevitably, it’s shaped all the chasing, running, and comparing i have done these subsequent years. thrilling myself with feelingless flings, jumping into relationships with major red flags, hoping on people who invest little in me. have i even healed properly? i know true love and i have experienced bliss. yet i have recklessly pursued so many situations that are unfulfilling and full of pain.  

business is a great degree. the men in my life are great people. but the choices to invest my life have all been snap. i can see moments like stops in a film reel when continuing the course instead of spontaneously diverging would have benefited my dreams, my health, my heart. hindsight is haunting. but who would i be without the pain of knowing? maybe someone more. maybe someone less.

i am my experiences, so how could i know?

i wouldn’t have my child.
i am a marketer now.
i am an artist still. i’m simply a different artist than i envisioned in my teens. a graphic artist. a practical, everyday artist. i do make a living designing, so my art teachers were right. that paid off. i may not be painting still life or drawing illustrations on a whim like i might have a decade ago, but i’ve learned my mind can be altered by its environment and its training. 

maybe i’ll never know love like i once had it, but i am grateful i had it for a moment in time. i don’t miss a person. it’s a difficult feeling to articulate. when a person is young, they don’t know what’s ahead. they think there is so much of what they’re holding. i was naive to how unique sharing intellectual depth, understanding, connection and chemistry is. spending unsuccessful years trying to grasp that concept in others is maddening and lonely, maybe even impossible. 

diving inward can be dark some days. ultimately, i feel very peaceful. i am in a friendly place with everything that could be negative. all of my triggers are at a distance. i’d rather experience some loneliness and be in an honest, authentic place than cover up with distraction and chaos. i think there’s a place for spontaneity in making decisions. some of my snap decisions have been beautiful. some have been challenging. methinks, for now, i will be more thoughtful.

 

(edit)“what you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”

i brought my blue pillow in from the car.
i put my car key back on the key ring with the rest of the keys.
i washed my hair for the first time since before taco dinner with you.
i put the blue-rimmed plate in the cabinet and the gray jacket in the closet.
i’ve decided to sleep in my bed tonight for the first time since two saturdays ago.

a dance routine in the shower
blonde child says i love you
shadow of sweet disposition from behind as fingers paint
hero sails lake to back door
telling secrets on the living room floor
henry from under the bed into the lap
a blown up glove create a smile
adventure upstairs in old buildings
a crappy sandwich, bad pizza, delicious pots and pans made with care
living room better than bar
careful to speak except once mistake
prise revoked for bad behavior
a hand-written note on calendar seen
toothbrush in the holder
perdy girl phadooklet
playground fights not new mom fatherinlaw
dirt bikes couch crashes
sleep on made bed so funny like
movies didn’t see, swamp gravy vacations planned already
almost elton john kiss in car savannah
you can’t stop the hairspray in my ice cream sunday afternoon lunch (sun pouring in three windows, can on my dresser, wrapped up in a blanket and mixed up.dontleave)
the runaway dance
salmon shorts
zombies just to sit on the couch with
clumsy kiss at the door
hot when sleeping
squeeze my hand to death
goodbye for work think of all day
half smile pretty mouth
giggle at work storararies
look with eyes taller sparkle care remember feel like good keep
hide excitement when i see
please don’t let the forget of time steal little feels as these appreciated. hold these long as the mind will keep. please. happy was here for em ee. wont forget. wont. don’t want to won’t. silence change not memory.

[i wrote brian’s brutal analysis of the situation here, but i just don’t think it’s true so i erased it earlier.
i would still like to think the best of you. i appreciate all of the wonderful ways you were treating me
and i hope it was genuine and not all for play like he said.
even though your reaction is mean and unforgiving and silent. like a dang taylor swift song.
i will keep it for myself and mull over it instead of posting it here.
just doesn’t seem right.]