Birthday

i hope it doesn’t suck.
a super good day would be refreshing.
i’m not expecting much though.
that never seems to work.

that’s all i’ve got. i enjoyed the futurenow thing tonight. interesting.
i liked the people who were in charge of it.
it’s really awesome seeing people from a small town doing big, amazing things.
it’s empowering.

i learned a lot tonight.
a lot that i just can’t put into words.
except, i do want to learn sign language.
i feel like God spoke to me about it tonight.
i know that sounds weird, but i’ll give you more details after i pray and figure it out more.

life is complicated.
i like it like that.
i like knowing i’ll never figure it out.
it’s nice giving up control.
and yes, he is fun; i enjoyed it.
but i enjoy this too. it’s my heart.

whoop!

it’s time for a happy blog! i’m sick of all the emo crap. i’ve been going through a lot lately, and i’m not sure i’m done digging through all the stress mess–but like Eric said the other day, “i feel like i’m on the upswing of the valley.” and, that feels good!
i knew it would end somewhere, and my mini-breakdown was pretty trivial as far as bad times go. I’ve just been overwhelmed with things to do, and i just couldn’t see the end of it coming near. I feel like I’m about to have a little time to catch up.

I will finally get more than six hours of sleep for the first time in the past weeks that i can remember! how great!! AND my birthday is on thursday! that should be fun. kyle is really building up the birthday/anniversary gift he got me. i’m excited BIG TIME! i can’t believe Kyle and I have been dating a year! it’s crazy, because it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. When I look at other couples and hear them saying it’s been a year and some change, i always think about how long and serious that amount of time is. But with Kyle, it doesn’t seem that way–definitely a good thing!
things are looking up. it’s definitely the Lord. I try to push and fight through all the crap alone, but I always end up knowing that without the strength and joy of the Lord, the hard roads are a lot bumpier.
Tough stuff.
My old sunday school teacher died. Pray for his family. I heard some details, but I am not sure how accurate those are, so, out of respect for his family, I won’t disclose them. I’m praying for them. My dad lost his dad in a horrible way at a young age, so such tragedies always weigh on my heart.
That makes me think about how much I miss my grandads. My dad’s dad died when I was only a baby in an awful tragedy. And last Thanksgiving, my only living grampa died from necrotizing fasciitis, an extremely rare flesh-eating bacteria, with complications of diabetes. He got sick one Sunday and died the next.
During that week, he had his leg cut off above the hip and some of his back. I never saw him conscious that week. Kyle never met him. But the Sunday he died, Kyle drove me and my grandma over, because we were going to see him, and right when we got there, he began to go through the process of dying. Kyle stood by my side as I watched my grandfather take his last breath.
Watching someone die is emotional, but it revealed God to me in a way I can’t explain. There was a peace. It wasn’t like we were fighting for him to stay alive. I remember my mom telling him not to fight and to listen to the Lord and go to heaven where Meme is (my stepgrandma who died from lung cancer three years ago). Watching him take his last breath, I knew in my heart that it wasn’t the last of my grandfather. It was just his last moments here on earth in that body. It was an unforgettable experience. Awful yet awe-striking all the same.

My grandmas are the only things I have left, and my grandma helen has bad back problems and she goes through a lot since my grandpa’s been gone. i worry about her, and i feel so guilty because i never get to spend time with her. and my grandma lynne struggles so much with money. she doesn’t have anything anymore, and i havent seen her very much lately. it kills me, because i love them so much, and i don’t know that they know it.

I guess this hasn’t been a happy blog after all, but i needed to search some things out.
it’s good sometimes.

yeah, i’m blinded.

if that thing stopped moving, i’d break. i’d fall apart.
i think about it a lot. a lot–as in, too much. i care about it so much that i’ve cried.
i am vague on purpose. this thought is scary and from somewhere deep & hidden,
but everything needs an escape. This escape will be a little slighted, but released, all the same.
i feel as if i have cheated on a test i haven’t taken.
my mouth is watering for a food i’ll never taste. that’s agonizing.
agonizing because it’s an undesirable meal for all, yet i’m dying to take a bite.
i’m an animal, an animal wishing perfection from out of that vein.
maybe i’ll lose my appetite soon.

Runaway

i’m copping out,
losing the battle.
i don’t know why…i don’t know why i feel so hopelessly stressed out. i’m not myself anymore. My free-spirited personality is missing the “free” and the “spirit.” I feel so empty. Most people don’t know, because I do a good job faking it.
I’m tired of faking it. I’m so exhausted, I can fall asleep on command. I’m so empty inside that I find no joy in doing anything anymore. Everything is a chore. I know everyone feels like running away, but I’ve never seriously felt it before.
I was talking to Mrs. Connie, Kyle’s mom, and she really made me feel better.
I love Mrs. Connie. She’s my boss sometimes, but the rest of the time she is my second mom. She gives really great advice and makes me feel normal even though I feel like I am completely and totally insane. I’ve told a few people how I feel.

I can’t put my finger on the source of this funk I’m in, but it started when I was looking at some friends’ pictures on facebook. these friends go to an exclusive theatre school, and I was looking at all the fun they were having. They seem so carefree of consequence. Basically, they do whatever they want and have no reason to feel bad. I hate to admit it, but there is no covering it up–I am envious.

It may be horrible to admit that I look curiously out of interest into a world of sin and worldly liberty, especially because of my position as an intern. I think that is why I feel so crummy inside, because I am supposed to be an example and I can’t even get my mind focused on the Lord. I am tempted and envious of things that I have done.
I want to run away and live a life of selfish sin merely because I am stressed to the maximum point.
I’m confused.
I know it is because I am human, and I know Satan tempts me. It’s just confusing and trying–and sometimes, pushing and fighting for my beliefs & being the unpopular thing to do gets to be too much for my sorry, small human mind–and all i want to do is quit and drink a margarita and do a number of other stupid things.

But there IS a difference between wanting to and actually doing it. I will not be the latter.
This too shall pass–what gam zeh ya’avor means–is what i live by, everything is fleeting. I still love life in all of it’s craziness.
i know, i am utterly insane.

Fire Eyes

It’s been a while since I posted. I really write these blogs to vent, not really to say anything intellegent or worthwhile enough for anyone to read. But hey, if you want in to the Erin psyche, be my guest, and if you figure me out, shout me a holler, because I sure haven’t figured it out.
Have you ever had everything you’d always wanted? Of course, I don’t mean everything, because that’s idealistic and impossible–and if one is satisfied, then he is the living dead, because to be totally satisfied means to have nothing left to hunger or pursue. (yeah, i didn’t come up with that. wish i were that amazing, but a good teach of mine said it.)
But, you know what I mean. Wanting a sensitive, sweet, open, loving guy after “The Good ol’ Boy” just wasn’t good to me, and then finding Kyle. Wanting so badly for so many years to be involved in church on a new level, and now being an intern. Wanting an easy, respectable, honest job, and working at Sims. And the list goes on.
So many blessing, yet I complain so much. I curse my blessings regularly. The two previous blogs are example. Though I am stressed (and I am VERY stressed now, more than then for sure), I am busy for a reason. God has given me so many capabilities and opportunities that my head spins.
It’s exciting. And sometimes I forget it’s not my small head that orders the day and orders my footsteps. That’s where all these headaches come from (literally, a bottle of tylenol this week..), the thought that I am controlling all of this stress. When really, the God I claim to put all of my trust is the one who is guiding me. How much more relief does a person need?

Nine to Five

I’m tired of my freaking jobs. All I ever do is work. I’m so tired all the time. I’m a full time student, and my two jobs add up to a full time job, so my life pretty much FULL TIME SUCKS. I’m tired of being the mom to these kids who don’t even like me. I’m tired of being someone’s slave. Working, working, working with only disaproval at the end of the day. I’m constantly studying for tests and emailing in papers wondering when I’m going to see the benefits of wasting my life away. I hardly get to enjoy Kyle between my breaks from all this mess and his breaks from work. We’re both pretty depressed. I really want to go work for Kyle’s mom, but I don’t think I’m going to get the job. I waited to late this week probably, and I think someone else is going to get it. I was really looking forward to it, but I guess I’ll see what God has in store. I’m just exhausted and I’m ready to let something go rather than picking up ANOTHER job. I hate to constantly complain, but I just want a second to relax. Kyle’s mom said something important today, “It’s just a season.” I just hope it’s a short season.

Auto -Pilot

I get scared sometimes, being at the ClaySpot all by myself. I make up noises in the next room. I make up all these situations that might happen–thieves, weirdos, homeless guys. I get sad that I worry so much. Last night I just broke down and cried. I’ve been so stressed out. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I don’ t have the time. I can’t paint or even watch the T.V. Kyle is here, but I don’t get to be here with him. My mind is always somewhere else, with some other obligation. I’m so tired of being tired. I’m tired of spending my life at the gym and not feeling any different. I’m tired of having so much to complain about. I want to be a baby again and sit in my play pin.