weak boundaries

Building boundaries only works if they’re maintained. I learned some great things before I stopped seeing my therapist in the middle of 2018. That’s when I wanted to start guiding my own course. Not purposefully, of course.

But I vividly remember feeling the awkward tension in my chest as I painted a rosier picture of my new relationship during our last session though I did have some concerns and felt the weight of red flags. I didn’t want to admit or face any mistake I was making to avoid dealing with immediate pain.

We all know what they say about hindsight.

I can see more clearly every day how I got to where I am right now. I take full responsibility for my poor choices. No one forced a day’s actions upon me. As a sensitive person and an only child, I become grossly codependent at low points. I have weak boundaries. I take medicine everyday to help me feel better. I need to talk to my therapist. I’m going tomorrow, as I have been avoiding for a year a half. It’s going to be good for me.

All in all, my worst fear is being alone. Yet I’ve alienated most every friend and family member I have besides my parents over the past two years and isolated myself, turned down invitations, quit responsibilities, almost sabotaged some of the best opportunities I’ve got. I have tremendous anxiety about my parents dying. I don’t have siblings, and with few who truly know my whole life – I am paralyzed by the idea of a world without them. This isn’t continuous, simply latent.

When I distract myself, it’s usually a relationship. Because I made horrible choices in my marriage, I thought I could use someone “highly attentive” in this new love interest. So I jumped right into that seven months later. It was nice until I felt suffocated. It was on and off continuously. The snooping and demands for information when I actually was being trustworthy became exhausting and demeaning. I didn’t leave because of my codependency, for one. Two, I think I believed deep down I deserved someone controlling because of my previous actions in life. And three, just generally not wanting to do the whole breakup thing. The worst angry version of myself was the norm as it got worse and worse and we broke it off over and over. I hate who I became. I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to continue forward, but forgiveness is important.

Finally last summer it was really over. And I started building boundaries again.

Started to.

same days forever

Originally written November 2018.

Nothing about it is really novel. I’m grateful. Not in that everyday thanksgiving applause for the soothing appreciables around me. It’s a cryptic thanks that I can barely hold onto because I have to face ugly authenticity to keep it in my grasp.

I’ve justified actions in my life. I’ve leaned into my will, creating unexpected life curves. I felt strong navigating the wrong worlds where my weaknesses were magnified. Foreboding joy, my inevitable curse.

It happened so slowly I didn’t know I was broken. I knew my relationships were twisted. I’d been to therapy and forgiven others. Much harder to forgive me. And more—to know me,—and why? To claim authenticity as my deepest desire, but…

…the duplicity. The juxtaposition of my desires, values and the truth of my decisions, life products.

After I changed everything I got lost for a while. I didn’t trust anyone, especially me. I tried new community endeavors that fulfilled me for a time, and then I stopped. I pulled away.

I took full responsibility and self assessment. I still got mad at blameful stories. I trembled with powerlessness and paranoia. But I faced it. I discovered the roots of issues in me dug into thicker, deeper roots. Ideas bloom. Some need to die or be in someone else’s garden.

I have learned things, but I have mainly learned that I need to learn more. I live for myself now, and I desperately try to focus on my daughter. It’s rare I can remember specifics about those years because it pains me that I lost time slaving my mind away for what didn’t ever add back to my life’s value.

That’s what I mean by cryptic gratitude. I used to be very open and carefree. Now I don’t let many people in. I am careful. I ask questions instead of share my story first. I test the waters and evaluate a person’s motives and value system. I judge on my perceptions when I didn’t before. I used to have a very enthusiastic way of connecting information in ideas, places, and people. That’s become more latent since I don’t go out as much and has been replaced with more analytical skills from reading and watching content.

I guess I’m possibly more well-rounded. Maybe boring. I’m always evaluating. Whoever I am, I’m different now. That’s what I’ve noticed lately.

aquarian developments

and my daughter is an Aquarius to add the ending. hate i deleted this too. 🙂 so sweet. glad i still have this ring.

one post in 2014.

let’s see if we can at least double that for 2015. i won’t make any promises, but i’d love to be the blogger i was five years ago. this blog turned 8 years old in february, and i often feel like deleting the trivial thoughts of whoever that girl was writing back then. but hey, i’ll keep the embarrassment around for posterity.

i don’t think anyone would want to read the novel it would take to catch up to this point in life, so i’ll just talk about what “nishy” life is like today. i’m still working at stewbos and i love it. i hope i will work there for many, many years to come. there are so much going on there to be excited about, and the most interesting people in town either own or work there. i get to learn from local legends in their respective fields (bo henry, stewart campbell, david campbell, billy mann, lynne mertins, kevin hogencamp, etc.). for the first couple of years, i managed bo and stewart’s event center at merry acres, and now i am working solely on their marketing and public relations. currently, i am only part-time – and i gave up my beloved office to work from home (which is conveniently minutes away from most of the locations). so, i’m a work-from-home/stay-at-home mama; something i never could have predicted i’d be doing this year. my bosses have been so supportive of this life change, just one of many reasons i love the adventure of working at stewbos.

i’m completely captivated by vayda. being a mother is the greatest joy. now i completely understand that inexplicable love that mamas try to describe. i hope to write more about vayda, her birth and other mama things soon.

justin is doing well, too. threeforty has him all over the map – with featured venues in town and all the way to 30A in florida. we have had the craziest year. i think most couples would have had a difficult time enduring all of the life changes that we chose in such a short amount of time. it has certainly stretched our love and helped us grow. a year ago this saturday (july 11th), we got married at a private family ceremony at the beach. a week before that, we moved my studio apartment into our current home. a month before that (june 13th) we got engaged. then, vayda was born at the beginning of the year (january 24th). it has honestly been a huge blur that i am just now reflecting on. i haven’t even shared wedding photos!

in that vein, i want to cover some moments in my next few posts that i missed in all the chaos. today, it’s my engagement ring. i first saw the ring on etsy years ago and was drawn to it for several reasons. i’m a very sentimental person, so i enjoy finding the meaning in things other than the obvious. for me, this ring says a lot about who i am.

EWAEngagementRingit is handmade, and it isn’t your average diamond. don’t get me wrong. i love a diamond – there are beautiful diamonds in my ring’s setting. but i have always enjoyed things a little off the beaten path, so i wanted a different feature stone. the two sapphires accenting the center stone were the first thing i noticed. justin and i were both born in september (sapphire birthstone), and my parents were also born in september, too. as the greatest example of enduring love in my life – i thought nothing could symbolize the love justin and i were entering into more than those sapphires. it represents the love i came from (my parents), who we are (september babies) and the love i hope we share for a lifetime.

the aquamarine was a stone of happenstance that has more meaning now than it did when i first saw it. aquamarines have obvious ties to water. when i moved out of my parents’ house into my own place, i lived on the lake. the first time i ever talked to justin on the phone, i was sitting on my back deck with my mama looking at the water. fast forward through all the conversations and memories with justin and i dating looking out at the very same water – fishing on the communal dock, justin proposes to me at a covered bridge on the river where his dad proposed to nancy many years ago. i’ll never forget thinking we were taking a walk to check on a fallen tree limb and turning to see justin on one knee with the ring i adored in his hand.

less than a month later, we were married on the beautiful beach of st. andrews park. and in january, our little aquarius was born – making my ring that much more of a treasure.