Building boundaries only works if they’re maintained. I learned some great things before I stopped seeing my therapist in the middle of 2018. That’s when I wanted to start guiding my own course. Not purposefully, of course.
But I vividly remember feeling the awkward tension in my chest as I painted a rosier picture of my new relationship during our last session though I did have some concerns and felt the weight of red flags. I didn’t want to admit or face any mistake I was making to avoid dealing with immediate pain.
We all know what they say about hindsight.
I can see more clearly every day how I got to where I am right now. I take full responsibility for my poor choices. No one forced a day’s actions upon me. As a sensitive person and an only child, I become grossly codependent at low points. I have weak boundaries. I take medicine everyday to help me feel better. I need to talk to my therapist. I’m going tomorrow, as I have been avoiding for a year a half. It’s going to be good for me.
All in all, my worst fear is being alone. Yet I’ve alienated most every friend and family member I have besides my parents over the past two years and isolated myself, turned down invitations, quit responsibilities, almost sabotaged some of the best opportunities I’ve got. I have tremendous anxiety about my parents dying. I don’t have siblings, and with few who truly know my whole life – I am paralyzed by the idea of a world without them. This isn’t continuous, simply latent.
When I distract myself, it’s usually a relationship. Because I made horrible choices in my marriage, I thought I could use someone “highly attentive” in this new love interest. So I jumped right into that seven months later. It was nice until I felt suffocated. It was on and off continuously. The snooping and demands for information when I actually was being trustworthy became exhausting and demeaning. I didn’t leave because of my codependency, for one. Two, I think I believed deep down I deserved someone controlling because of my previous actions in life. And three, just generally not wanting to do the whole breakup thing. The worst angry version of myself was the norm as it got worse and worse and we broke it off over and over. I hate who I became. I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to continue forward, but forgiveness is important.
Finally last summer it was really over. And I started building boundaries again.