we’ll carry on.

sometimes, i’ll forego the couch and just lay in the middle of the floor while staring at the ceiling. my job gets more incredible with time. the herald has invested a lot of training in me by letting me learn the ropes of multiple departments before throwing me into the mix. i’ve been trying to express gratitude for this as best i can, but ultimately it’s created a determination in me to invest back into the company. i’ve always had a great deal of loyalty to the constants in my world, but this is a little different. i was left to sink in my last job, and i barely treaded water long enough to grasp what i was doing. having been given the opportunity to absorb so much at the front end has been an experience i won’t forget.

having my weekends and afternoons back has also been a treat. a friend asked me last night if i could go to this awesome festival with him and his friends. immediately, i searched my mind. “what event is this weekend?” “do i have to go in to the office to catch up?” and no. no, i don’t have to do either of those things. because though the newspaper still works after i’m done, my part is essentially over once i pack up at the end of the day. this simple pleasure exhilarates me daily when the clock hits five.

i’ve come to terms with what happened at my last job. things will happen in life that don’t seem right, but ultimately someone feels justified in the decisions that may cause others heartache. i can’t live in fear of loss. i can’t worry to death that something might happen to one of my parents while i’m not around. i can’t pass up the opportunity to enjoy a date with you because i’ve liked people before whom i have misjudged. i can’t tape down the receiver of the phone at work because i don’t want to do telemarketing.

my mind would convince me it’s easier to sit still in sheer terror of all of these situations rather that just swallowing those natural inclinations to enjoy the ideas and people and things that come before fear. the ideas and people and things that i love. sometimes my dad gives me hard advice and it annoys me. i often want to walk out and pout about it until i’ve forgotten about it at my next visit, and sometimes i do. but often, i will just roll my eyes and sigh and make sure that i kiss him good night. because ultimately, i’m never promised another minute. and the time i spend feeding my ego being offended or being scared of hurting over losing things that were never mine–well, that time is ultimately wasted time.

i think so much about time, i write so much about time, i love so much about time. it’s such a paradox and a gift and an endless, unmeasurable tool by which we operate. i gave a lot of time to my previous job that i can never exchange. i missed a lot of bible studies and moments with my family. i lost love. i strained friendships. i pushed on and worked harder than i thought capable of me. it wasn’t an unbearable situation, but it was difficult and complex–and now i can appreciate things in a job that i once would have taken forgranted. i spent all of that remarkable amount of time in a constant state of learning, to learn many lessons early on in my career. so, i can’t say that i regret it.

i’m always overeager to find some meaning in how i’ve spent my time. sometimes, it’s a stretch. however, in this chapter i am satisfied with the conclusions i can draw thus far. i know i will draw on the experiences from the past sixteen months for the rest of my life. looking forward to using the knowledge i gained from any investment of time makes me feel much more accomplished than regretting in that time investment. so, we’ll forgive and we’ll carry on. because that truly is the easiest (and best) way i know how.

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