it’s darkly humorous in a way. this reminds me so much of my internship at the bank years ago. i remember now why i wrote so much in blogs and journals. i couldn’t focus at work, so i’d try to blog all my thoughts out. except now it’s affecting my performance. back then, i had so much on my mind, so much i wanted to tell you, but everytime i expressed “feelings” in person it drove you away. sometimes you’d even encourage me to stop talking about it. if it wasn’t fun and flirty, i swallowed my thoughts and kept them inside. i kept myself to lame jokes about always sunny and teaching everyone how to dougie. and that’s how my blog became my forum again.
i never knew what to say back then. i put on whatever act seemed to keep you interested. i remember one of the few times we did something alone. you took me to eat for my birthday. my heart was beating out of my chest, because i couldn’t think of anything to say while we rode in the truck (speechless is a feat for me). knowing that you didn’t want me in a relationship, as you had made very clear multiple times, made feeling like your date kind of fake. but it was a fake i wanted to believe, so i mumbled nervously to keep from akward silence.
i sat there looking at you eating your burrito, and i wanted to know what you were thinking of me. instead of this awkward dinner where you looked at your food more than me, i wanted it to be our thing. i wanted an us so badly. my heart ached as i fed my face with my “flat thing,” because i just didn’t understand, ‘what was it that caused you to reject me?’ i was a worthwhile girl, so ‘why didn’t you want me to be yours?’ i never asked. i wish i had. we got captain america out of the red box and i said more stupid one-liners throughout the night, and that was how i spent turning 22.
a month earlier, you kissed me at the end of the night and said you’d text me. i never heard from you. as mean as it sounds, i should have forgotten you. but my pride just wouldn’t let me let it go. i thought, ‘i know i was funny enough, cool enough for at least a text. i must find out what happened.’ i paid the price, because i never stopped being the one pursuing you. i bought new dresses every week and never came over with a hair out of place. i’d drop any exciting plan to go watch poltergeist on your couch while you snored, and you barely made an effort with me the rest of the time.
a couple of weeks after my birthday, there was a moment that you won’t remember that i will never forget. you were off of work early that weekday and so was i. we decided to take a nap. i looked at the sunlight pouring through your blinds as you quietly snored and i made a decision that would affect both of us. i decided to really give you a chance with my walls down. no more games. no more tests. no more passes or fails. i decided to let you into my heart that day. the day and the moment just felt right, and i thought you were worth it. this particular moment in your room looking out of your window is a memory etched in my mind. it’s haunted me so many times over the months.
from that point, things didn’t progress. and then it ended as quick as it began. you wanted to take me camping. i was so excited that i’d thought about it consistantly all week. i can vividly remember bringing it up to shelby all week. one of the funniest moments of mine and her friendship stems from preparing for that trip. and then at the last minute, you uninvited me. it was a blow i couldn’t take. to me, it represented everything about us. my heart hardened knowing that i was expensible in your world while my world was revolving around us. the straw.
as time went on i tried to pretend my feelings for you were just overdramatized emotions, damaged pride–whatever it took to get myself to believe moving on was the right choice. i told myself our relationship obviously was not significant because of the cues you sent me. i pushed the truth away and convinced myself you were a lot of bad things.
i went on the rebound immediately. distance and time compromised my view of who you were, and i genuinely thought i was right. until i saw you at the gym. you looked so different, so good. jingle bell jog was coming up. i thought about you all week, and i even texted you to make plans to meet at the race. i felt guilty, and my boyfriend at the time ended up making me stay with him that morning. you won that race, and you started dating someone else. it made me wonder what you saw in her that made you willing to call her yours. it made me feel inadequate and jealous, because you hadn’t wanted that with me until you thought you were going to lose me. why couldn’t i forget you?
when i made the choice to cheat on my boyfriend and things got bad, i got really depressed and made a lot of stumbles in my life, a lot of heartless choices that hurt people and myself. the one time i ended up at your house with you not there felt so out of place that i accepted it was the last time i’d ever be there. i subsequently became so wrapped up in sickening drama both internally and externally in the following months that i didn’t have time to consider you. and then i saw you and my heart skipped a beat. you had a huge beard one night and smiled, waved at me, and i wondered what your life was like these days.
well, i got to see what your life was like these days. you started having me over. you were open and hospitable, and i was avoiding all of your advances. after all of the times in the past when i was an afterthought, this time i was the main event. you wanted to know my friends instead of making excuses not to meet them. instead of missing my birthday party, you had valentine’s day delivered to my work and surprises all day long. was this an act? are you on the rebound? should i let myself get caught up in this?
i eventually started to give my attention to the show you were putting on. when you started holding my hand tightly everytime you touched it after i made that one lame cosmo comment, i knew things were different.
when i decided i would rather eat ice cream and wheeze with you while watching cartoons, you became the only one i could see. and after you had spent weeks proving to me you were going to stick around by comforting my reservations and patiently enduring my wavering disposition, i looked at you at nights@dtown.
i looked at your tired face as i was hugging you, listened to your sweet voice tell me you’d go out with my friends for a little while if i wanted to, and my resistant heart started to burst. no, i wanted to go home so you could get rest for work. i wanted you to go fish that next afternoon. i wanted to make you feel free and happy and thought about, because sweet people like you get taken advantage of everyday.
it was in that moment i looked at you in the middle of that old warehouse that i decided to open up my heart to you again, to forget the past, forget my hang-ups and just relax. i got excited at the prospect of returning all the favors of the past two months that you were everything it took to keep me satisfied and entertained. it took me a while, i know, but you said that night at moe’s not long ago you’d be patient and take it slow for me. i believed you. my heart filled up with hope, and i felt secure in what we had. all in that little moment, another one you won’t remember but one i will keep.
and the very next day. the very next day. the VERY next day. a barrage of disappointing information pushed me to make a foolish choice–another of which i will never forget. see, the other two moments i’ve gone to lengths to describe are moments i treasure whether you have been in my life or not, because they are moments that my heart has been full. this particular moment, the foolish choice i made, is one i will spend a great deal of time training my mind to forgive. i will have to exercise restraint in not reliving the “what ifs” everytime you walk by. i will make jokes to ease the pain. eventually something good will occur to redeem the darkness of that moment and its circumstances.
but for today. today i have mixed emotions. though it may not be payback, i wonder if this is how you felt so many months ago. you weren’t ready as i invested so much of myself into you, and it stung. then it just took one big let down, and i was damaged and gone. when you were finally letting me in that last night i came to see you, i couldn’t believe one thing you said was genuine.
and here we are, tables turned. i wonder if you feel the way i felt so long ago, wanting to believe in me, but not wanting to invest in something in further that wasn’t making you feel good. taking it back to the first sentence of this post: it’s darkly humorous in a way. if that’s how you’re feeling–which i imagine it is–not only have i been there, i’ve been there feeling that way about you not all that long ago.
you broke up with me suddenly, which tentatively nulls the hopes and plans associated with our agreement to date exclusively. it entices my brain to call everything you said a lie, to feel sorry for myself because here you are getting my goat again. my damaged pride is frustrated, and my heart feels rejected and abandoned.
then i remember: tables turned. in all the time between, i never truly knew you or your heart–and finding out the truth, instead of some lie i created about you, boggled my mind. i wasn’t ready to believe that truth until we reunited, just like you aren’t willing to believe in mine now because your expectations weren’t met and you’re over trying. just to remind you, i never was sure in my heart i made the right choice to leave you back then. the choice to leave you was in my pride, because i couldn’t take being made fool of one more time. i took a long road around a dark bend before i came back to you, and i wish i’d just been willing to seen you genuinely cared and were just unsure of me.
so let the world turn. bring on the ups and downs of missing you in my life once again. it may have only been four months, and knowing you, you’ll start your jokes about how trivial we were like the ladies passed between your friends. but in your heart–no matter what you convince your mind of, you’ll know what we’ve had is years in the making and it’s deeper than can be explained by coincidence. all i can do now is be in the right place for myself. i don’t think our story is over, but since you’ve ending this chapter, i will comment on the quality of the book thus far in this blog and leave it up to the Big Man to get me through the rest of the book. and even if you never appear in my pages again, no one can have our memories shared and lined in permanent ink.
maybe we will never get it together enough to be equally happy and together at once, but i don’t consider it coincidence that it’s happened this way. it could make for a fabulous love story if conditions line up right. or it could just be a series of unfortunate events in a larger book of which i’m unaware.
(that’s right, movie titles in my post’s title and ending sentence. i’m aware.)