when you see me.

this one’s been baking in the queue. i now know i should stick to my gut and say what needs to be said. also, for everyone out there. i love telling good stories and i love a good theatrical production, but drama that terrorizes people’s lives is not my specialty. now beware this post, straight from the bottom of my rotten gut. it took a lot out of me:

for whatever i am able to accept at night, the morning tricks me into anticipating yesterday’s habits. i see reality has suddenly changed and i’m anxiously having to embrace that the hopes for today and for my future are no longer possibilities right now. the feeling gets more familiar as each morning turns into another night.

i guess you’re right, it is about actions. when i’ve been living with actions i’m ashamed of for nearly a year, i don’t like to think about my actions, but i guess there’s no better time than now to come clean.

there’s nothing poetic about being in an illegitimate relationship, but i was for a long time.  i thought i could enter into a serious relationship without talking about the effect it had on my life. however, sweeping a year’s worth of crap under the rug doesn’t change it’s existence. i realized recently that things were happening too fast. i needed more time with you casually dating before the relationship got serious so i could be honest about where i was coming from. my choice to stay silent early on was the wrong one. my choice to dive into exclusivity and not knowing how to share my feelings ended up putting a huge damper on what could have been.

to have people tell me i’m intelligent, i often scoff, because i have convinced myself a lot of weird, stupid, shallow ideas were life truths over this past year. it got bad when i moved in on my own. having someone who knew me that i could talk to on the phone and hang out with our friends became this pseudo-relationship crutch. what was i thinking? a question even i, the psycho analyzer, cannot answer with certainty. i can’t even begin to explain the justifications i made to acheive such a lifestyle. it was like a game, a theatrical play of sorts. stolen love feels real, but it infected my heart with murkiness and regret. i made a mess of myself trying to block out the shameful truth of it all, trying to run away from it when i could see the horror in it all, trying to avoid the terrible feelings of guilt, jealousy and self-hate that stemmed from my actions.

then honest possibilities would walk by and i would give them a consideration, but i couldn’t honestly give them my cold, stolen heart. having this wall protected me from getting hurt, and it kept these guys interested because immature guys love games. as time went on, my heart got harder. i wanted something real, i wanted to share my life with someone worthy, but i wasn’t sure i could escape from the constant inconsistency i had grown so numb to accepting as satisfaction. these possibilities who i would tentatively date thought i was so cool because i didn’t need them. my games made them want me more, and then i wanted them less because i realized i wasn’t being myself with them. i was playing a game with them as much as i was with my affair.
most of my relationships in life were lies for almost a year. how disheartening. but this secret exchange at least protected me from the possibility of loss, my ultimate fear. i was so wary of losing that i didn’t see my fear of letting go of something not even mine was causing me to lose out on future opportunities. this logic confirmed that i had hit a low so very low that it was time to start mending myself. i wanted an escape and i would often try, but to escape would only leave the baggage unsorted.

i’m coming to terms with the consequences of my choices. i’ve done a lot of healing since christmas. i accepted that who i am was compromised somewhere along the line, and i started trying to sort through myself where it all began. you can look back through my posts and see my journey. i told this audience in a post titled “last august” written on july 4, 2011: “i stopped being myself on august 7, 2010. i know how. i can guess why. i haven’t been myself since…” and around christmas in the post titled, “it’s about time i published this,” i got a little clearer.

when i broke up with justin two years ago, i made myself take some time mentally to deal with things, because when i had ended things with kyle (my only other significant relationship) two years prior to dating justin, i got completely shallow, dated the world, ran around aimlessly accumulating tattoos, etc.  so i took my time this time. i scheduled vacations to boston and washington. i did things i loved. i cried. a lot. my life got full (probably too full) with things i felt passionately for. i wrote sad blogs to justin that i know he’d never read. but most of all, i kept myself away from all of the traps that would complicate my recovery. and i allowed myself time to truly recover.

i was so mentally clear and healed that by the time i met up with a boy i liked on august 7,  2010, i arrogantly jumped in. he wasn’t ready for me, and letting him go after two months of trying was agonizing (and i often wonder if it was a mistake). then i started feeling all that pain again that took so long to heal from in my previous relationship. it was my fault for jumping in so thoughtlessly, but it was even more thoughtless to not just take some needed time and deal with the pain rather than waste the following year running around creating further pain and confusion which leads up to now.

so to recap, a happy girl got mind-clouded when she met a great guy who wasn’t that into her at the time. she ran to the next opportunity who showed her how to smile for the world no matter what was going on inside. after a few months of avoiding empty feelings, she experienced a world full of exciting feelings with someone who reminded her a lot of the first guy. that guy just happened to have a girlfriend, and the feelings were completely inappropriate. and that brings us to now.

i was so excited to have jon back in my life. so much had changed about him but so much was still the same. many things had  changed about me, but i felt i could be the same in all of the good ways he knew me for that i was currently insecure about.

i was wary at first because of how things had ended and because of all the mess i had yet to clean up in my mind, but i was so thrilled that we were flirting again. flirting turned into delicious dinners and sweet valentine’s day gifts turned into meeting each others families turned into me knowing there was only one direction this was going. and i liked that direction. i understood him better, i wanted to this, and i selfishly continued down relationship road though i knew i wasn’t confident in my heart just yet.

there were one or two times i started to bring these things up on his couch after re-runs of wild and wonderful whites, but i’d end up losing my nerve. who could understand such a long series of mistakes like mine? he’s simply too kind to understand such crappiness, and he will think that represents the kind of person i want to be. i guess in my murky brain i decided to hold it in as best i could, thinking my unspoken hangups would eventually go away (which they will with a bit more time).

then things just happened way too fast. it was too much for my mind, and i couldn’t figure out why things were bothering me. i got really quiet and distant, and at the worst of me i’d be completely fake (or drunk). the more attached i started to feel, the more anxious i got and the more stupid i acted. i wish i’d just asked that we slow it down, but i didn’t want to seem like i had issues with progressing. i do want to progress. i’m just scared and need some time.

this weekend in particular i did something really inconsiderate. we were leaving the panthers game and i saw on facebook that an ex was engaged. when i see people i used to date getting engaged, i’m happy for them. we broke up because the Lord had someone else for that person, and i needed to step aside. when i see reminders like that, i’m just disappointed in myself, because i’ve wasted so much time and energy in the wrong places and with the wrong people this past year in order to avoid a pain when i could have worked to fix myself to be my best to whole-heartedly love the person in my life.

i couldn’t really fit this feeling into words without feeling too deep, so i just mumbled something embarrassing that sounded like i was jealous, i’m sure. i wish i had told phat something like this:

“i’m so happy i’m with you. it always was you all this time. i’m relieved it’s not me with that rebound boyfriend. i’m excited about our future too. but i have some hurts from my past i haven’t discussed with you yet that i feel pressed to discuss. i’ve been scared to tell you, and it’s wearing on my mind and making me seem dramatic and frustrated. maybe we should go home and talk about it before we go anywhere else.”

but since i didn’t have the guts to say that, i got distant instead. i drank a lot more. i felt like i had failed and i didn’t know how to fix it. i feel like everytime i talk to phat i am failing, because i had this huge weight i wanted to discuss with him. i drank so much i stopped seeing things clearly that night. lindsey just now tonight told me the things i did and said while she was with me, because it’s pretty foggy (so pathetic). i just wonder if my boyfriend knew what state my mind was in, because i didn’t have a rational thought in my head. i eventually left for another place with some of phat’s friends without phat. i remember hoping he would roll his eyes at my co-op mission, and i would be hugging his neck at another place minutes later. that didn’t happen. i don’t remember much. i just remember not seeing him. i didn’t realize what a jab that whole thing was at the time because i was acting out in erin-land, but i see the seriousness of it now. i would be so upset if roles were reversed. knowing that i’ve done something out of straight foolishness/drunkenness that pushed my patient boyfriend over the edge has been tearing me up inside. i know that a sincere, heart-felt apology can’t automatically change a stubborn man’s heart, but i do know that time and forgiveness will change a God-fearing man’s heart. i did wrong, no matter what state my mind was in. i deserve the consequences–whatever they are now and whatever they are in time.

for anybody reading this, you know what a hard admission that is for me to make about drinking. i am making some moderate changes in my social life, because alcohol shouldn’t be abused like that. and once i’ve done it once, i’ve done it one too many times. nothing good has come out of drinking for me. ’tis sad.

i can’t control many things, but i can control what i do with this situation from here. i did my part in making a mess in my
friendship. i should have been honest upfront instead of operating under pretense. i wanted things so badly that i didn’t consider how keeping from discussing a big recent element of my life might put stress on things. as of right now, i have hurt a friend who might not ever trust me again. i have apologized from my heart and i have explained some of it in person. this blog is the first time i’ve really written about the relationship i discussed previously, and it’s been hard to even be this telling about it. it makes my feel sick and i won’t go into further detail online for a while, because it has been a very hard personal battle for me. however, i will be honest when it comes to those it’s important to share with.

so what am i going to do? now i pray and i hope that things will be resolved in the time and the way of the Lord. everything else has been so obvious. don’t cheat. don’t get drunk. don’t be impatient. pray before thinking. think before speaking. be slow to anger. consider others before yourself. but a revelation to me: do not live a life of pretense. we are all sinners, and even if i was ashamed i should have been forthcoming. i thought i was doing a favor by not talking about a piece of my past that bothers me, but it would have saved a lot of awkward moments and a lot of hurt. and it wouldn’t be a blip on the radar compared to the mess i’m in now. if phat will give me the chance, i will serve him with the love, respect and honesty that a great man deserves.

what else am i going to do? i have been ignoring the Lord for quite some time. i can’t even speak about Him without feeling out of place. my relationship with Christ is about as shallow as every other part of me. i still understand His gift, His promise to me–but I feel more unworthy than ever to call myself His. i started thinking when phat told me i was my actions. that’s true. i am a product of my choices in relationships. i will carry them with me now wherever i go. i cannot pretend those choices away or ignore them or exchange them. as wonderful as jon is, he cannot be the savior i was trying to make him. i already have a Savior who is waiting on me to truly repent of all this behavior that i’ve been avoiding dealing with for far too long. now that i am broken, willing and ready, accepting forgiveness from the Lord is easy and i feel a familiar relief settling in nearly immediately. it’s going to take prayer and time in the Word for the Lord to reveal to me many things my hard heart won’t let me see. i’m looking forward to rebuilding an honest, Godly life will a full heart and a full life amongst all of this busy-ness.

i’m sad about the things i’ve done this year. i’m sad about my recent losses. i’m sad about my embarrassments. but i am not a
victim. i chose to do wrong all on my own, and sin quickly ate up all the joy in my life. i know what i’ve needed to do for a long time. i just let complacency and sin win everyday until it cost me something valuable. but i’d rather have something valuable when i can fully appreciate it. when i’m at my best, and i’m getting there, determinedly.

when you see me, know that things are changing.

Dear Lord, i’m sorry it took losing something valuable to come running back to you. the depths of the things i’ve done make me feel like i could disgust you. i begin to disgust myself and i cower away from you everytime i come to pray. i can’t even bless a meal because i know that’s not what you want to hear from me. but when i think about the pain you endured on the Cross for me, for everyone on earth, i knew i couldn’t just halfway repent unless i truly meant it. my life is so futile and garbage and silly situational “i’m sorry” prayers are meaningless if i’m not turning away from it all. even now i am scared i will fail you, but i feel your Holy Spirit quietly telling me that it is time now. when i sit and think of your majesty and the pain it was to take on these very sins, i’m overwhelmed. when my heart is hard i can’t listen to worship music, because i want to cry out of this awful darkness i’m constantly in. how can i hurt the Lord who gave his life to take my pain? thank you for allowing me to live through this ridiculous time in my life while others have died. i want to be what you created me to be. please forgive me for the things i mentioned above, and please guide me through resolving the situations in the time you have planned for me. thank you for dying for me and living today to teach my silly flesh. i want to learn to show you i love you again. thank you for giving me parents and friends who pray for me constantly. i know i would be much farther lost without their consistency and guidance.

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