it’s time i published this:

my previous post was vague. so now i’ll be specific about why my friendships have become so important. i made some very poor decisions this year. and by poor, i mean stupid. four. consecutively significant, stupid relationship choices.

why? good question. i’m still trying to figure it out. all i know is, the loneliness and sadness i was trying to solve after my breakup with J is still there plus murkiness from my experience with unworthy guys.

i blogged about one of them in fall 2010, and i posted some wonderful lessons learned that i obviously didn’t learn. if you know me, you know i have unbelievably high standards and rules about how i approach relationships. and i’m usually right on with my evaluations. i still pride myself in that. i just made a very long, murky, murky personal detour. as work got tougher and more monotonous, i guess i felt the need for more adventure personally. and the most appealing adventure?

unavailable men. all different kinds of unavailable. emotionally unavailable. in another relationship unavailable. four unavailable men. two months + nine months + ten months + one month = a year and a half of liking unavailable men. wrong math, you say? oh no. you see, because when dating emotionally unavailable men, sometimes other seemingly emotional available men look appealing even if they’re someone else’s boyfriend.

(this post is raw, by the way. i figure to keep up with my original agreement with myself to bare all, i’ve got to come out and talk about the truth.)

i had an overlapping relationship for four months. and it is totally possible to care for two people at once, but it is completely juvenile, selfish and exhausting. and when i realized that for myself, i should have probably decided to be single and figure out why i acted like such a jerk. not accept playing second fiddle for a length of time.

(wow, this feels good.)

it’s exciting to be liked by someone who shouldn’t like you. it makes you feel pretty and unique. something so worthwhile that someone would risk their relationship rather than living without you.

and then what some women will refuse to realize for a lifetime that i force myself to remember everyday–the only person risking anything is me. i am risking my self esteem, my reputation, my sanity. these lame guys aren’t risking anything, because more than likely they’ve been sneaking around for a while. this was true for my situations. these lame guys may like me, but they rely on the life they have and are unwilling to leave it. or else they’d be single.

in the end, unavailable men are all the same. and this is a big statement for me. a) because i really wanted to believe he was different too, and b) because i am a big believer in grey so to make it black and white, to stereotype it, is noteworthy.

unavailable men are cowards, liars and losers in life. they lie to all parties involved. they hurt themselves, they hurt the people they’ve committed to and they hurt the people they’ve pretended to commit to. they’re addicted to building lies and living in them, then they convince you you’re crazy for not being comfortable living in it. they convince you they care while simultaneously watching your self-esteem crumble. they make promises that they never plan to keep. and rarely ever does it deviate from the truth of these assessments i’ve made.

and to cover all my bases, agreeing to be second best does not make me innocent. i took action knowing full well the situation at had. it was a pitiful choice. they were pitiful choices, and regret doesn’t change them. however, anyone who has been here can agree with me when i say there is always more to the story. always.

i would say these situations weren’t serious. they weren’t terribly grave in the grand scheme of things. however, they impacted me hard, because i’m me. constantly on a search for authenticity, a dynamic free bird, a person strongly tied to their values–which conflicted with my actions. being involved in such mind-numbing silliness gave me tunnel vision, changing the way i love to see the world: with clarity and with curiosity.

involving myself with an unavailable guy made me unavailable to fully experience the world. and that is my biggest regret. i’m thankful for my family and friends who stood by me while i searched through one of the murkiest times of my life. i’ve learned after a year and a half, i will always be attracted to unavailable men, but i am more attracted to living a righteous and healthy life.

2 comments

  1. 1 Story A Week says:

    What a very raw and honest post. Those are my favorite! I think you have a great ability to see yourself clearly, which is something most people seem to avoid at all costs nowadays. Don’t ever let go of that. It can be hard, but in the end it leads to happiness and peace.

    • erinish says:

      i won’t forget what you’ve said–thank you for taking time to say it. my words feel a little kitschy sometimes, because human nature is so predictable. but it’s honest, so i keep rambling. totally needed your comment today.

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