i haven’t given myself proper time to be introspective in many months, and i think that has at least a little to do with the looming dissatisfaction in my life. blogging has always been therapeutic, as i sort through my thoughts as if someone is listening–but i have no idea if anyone truly is. i like this, because i’m projecting my thoughts in a mostly honest way, and i feel like if anyone can make sense of my rambling and relate to me–it was better than keeping it all jumbled up in my head:
since i moved into my own place, i’ve been sleeping on the couch. i rarely sleep in my bed, and i don’t really know why. at first, it was just the laziness of not wanting to move from the couch after watching television. but after a while, i hated that i was doing it but wouldn’t stop.
i guess, in my mind, sleeping in the bed meant that this was my home. which it is. but everything happened so suddenly. i didn’t have a crazy meltdown immediately after leaving my parents like i was expecting. in fact, i barely noticed. being wrapped up in working and responsibilities just made this another place to sleep. i’ve barely had time to think about it.
besides feeling so lonely. being an only child, i’m used to being somewhat self-sufficient–which is why this process was probably easy-ish for me. but living alone changed me without my realization. the only person’s awful habits annoying me are mine. there’s no one to pick up the slack. no one to protect me if i slip and fall. and no one to share the mundane moments with. i just made that sound really sad, and sometimes it is. i enjoy my solitude, and i would go crazy having someone around all the time. and a lot of my loneliness is the holidays.
a lot of my loneliness is because i haven’t been single during the holidays in a long time. this has been difficult, but it’s a really positive thing. i have been fighting against being single since everything happened with chipper and especially since i’ve been out on my own–but it’s all wrong. i’ve allowed myself to be involved with two situations that destroyed my self esteem and made me crazier than i already am. i ultimately settled as someone’s lower priority just to have a pretend relationship–one that ‘satisfied’ my desire for attention but didn’t demand all of my commitment.
ultimately, entering into these ‘relationships’ weren’t satisfying at all. they hardened my heart and gave me tunnel vision. as much as i love to experience the world, my obsession with an unavailable jerk compromised how i saw everything. my world is still small, and i’m only in the beginning stages of healing over these choices.
i’ve been known to bare all in these blogs, and this is really raw for me. 2011 has been a year of stumbling for me. i have little confidence in myself, even down to having anxiety over getting a long-awaited artwork on my back. i’ve questioned everything i am this year. i’ve taken several steps backward. things are murky. i often miss justin. i miss his voice of reason. i miss him picking out the valuable things in my messiness. i know it’s wrong–unconventional at least, probably even pathetic–to admit i miss someone who is likely happy with someone else. our four year friendship prior to our dating bothers me most, because i often wonder if it was worth it to have a wonderful year indulging what we had felt all along in order to trade in the ability to keep one of the most important friendships of my life.
i try not to dwell on it. it just seems i should be completely at peace after a year and a half. and i’m not. it’s probably just me. because i know i deserve a person similar to what i’m missing in him, but everything has been lackluster since him. and i guess i get discouraged that it will always be lackluster.
anyway, i’ve slept in my bed all week so far. i’m forcing myself to slow down and analyze myself and my loneliness, and i’m determined to make better decisions with my time and friendships. i’m glad the Lord is patient and full of grace. i hate that i am stubborn and wayward more often than not. and that is where my mind is tonight.